Analyze This Message

2. The first sentence is not an effective opening sentence for a request because it does not directly state the problem or item to be requested. When making a request, the opening line should be very direct and bring to attention the subject. The body of the message does not ask the most important questions first. It seems to give more unnecessary background information, but avoids asking relevant questions. The closing paragraph is written in a very demanding tone, and the writer uses the phrase "Thank you in advance," which should be avoided. Although there are many weaknesses in this letter, there are a few strengths. The writer eventually explains his request and tells the company what response he is looking for. He also tries to be polite in the closing paragraph of the letter, although there are better ways he could have phrased his request.

Revision:
At a local business-supply store, I recently purchased your "Negotiator Pro" for my computer. Although I thought it would be a helpful tool for me, it will not work on my computer. I would appreciate it if you could send me a different version that is compatible with my computer.

I tried to return the CD to the store, but because it had already been opened, they would not accept it. They told me to contact you and explain my situation so that you could take corrective action.

Please send any relevant information to me at the address listed on the letterhead. If you cannot send me the correct disk, I would appreciate it if you could refund my $79.95. Thank you for your help.

Revising a Letter: Vacation Planning

a. He gives the deadline for the request response in the opening paragraph, which is easily overlooked. Also, He does not directly state what exactly he is requesting. The questions he asks are split up between the first two paragraphs, which makes the request choppy and a little hard to follow.

b. Clear statement of request: My wife and I are planning a late September vacation with our two teenage children, and I was wondering if you could provide me with some additional information about Florida resorts and vacations.

Explanation needed: He needs to explain what types of resorts he is looking for while also asking any questions he may have about specific areas or amenities available.

Lists: I do not think lists would be very effective in this letter because he only have a few questions to ask about the vacations. He does not have too many requirements that cannot be stated directly in the paragraphs.

Specific Action: Please provide me with information you have about resorts in big cities with public transportation and if the off-season rates include all amenities.

Deadline: If possible, please send any information within the next two weeks so we can make any necessary vacation plans. You can reach me at the address listed in the letterhead.

c.

Frank C. Atlas
5493 Beechwood Drive
Trenton, NJ 08608
April 12, 2009

Florida Resort Bureau
1555 Palm Beach Lakes Boulevard
West Palm Beach, FL 33401

Dear Sir:

I saw an advertisement about Florida resorts in the April 2009 version of Smithsonian magazine that caught my eye. My wife and I are planning a late September vacation with our two teenage children, and I was wondering if you could provide me with some additional information about Florida resorts and vacations.

We enjoy the beach and golf coarse, but would also like to be near night entertainment suitable for the whole family. I would appreciate any information you could give me about which resorts are near large cities, as public transportation is a very important feature for us. Also, do the off-season rates include all the amenities? I was curious about the weather in Florida during September, so any information you can provide me about that would be greatly appreciated.

If possible, please send any information in the next two weeks so we can make any necessary vacation plans. You can reach me at the address listed in the letterhead. Thank you for your help.

Frank C. Atlas